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THE COMIN' OUT 
Of MARY JANE CUMMINS 



A TWO ACT COMEDY 




By CHLORINE DYSART 

COPYRIGHTED 191! 



Vi= 



i/ 



THE GOMIN' OUT 

OF MARY JANE CUMMINS 
^^ 

A COMEDY IN TWO ACTS 

-By- 
CHLORINE DYSART 
Author Of 
"July The Fourth." 



"The Comin' Out of Mary Jane Cummins" is 
especially .adapted for amateur performances for 
church, club and charity benefits. It is arranged 
so that the entire entertainment can be presented 
in one act if prefered. Musical specialties and 
choruses are introduced throughout the play. 

Country style evening clothes are worn in sec- 
ond act and characters appe,aring in Act I. make, 
change of costume for Act II. 



Performances of this play are prohibited ex- 
cept by permission of the author. 



For terms for presenting on stage, address 
HOME TALENT ENTERTAINMENT CO., 
FAIRFIELD, IOWA. 



CAST OF CHARACTERS. 



Steve 

Bridget 

Doctor Cummins 

Mrs. Cummins 

Mary Jane Cummins 

Araminta Cummins 

R. Lincoln Cummins 

Rastus — (Colored Boy). 

Uncle Beverly Pinshaw 

Aunt Prudence Pinshaw 

Mrs. Titcomb Peters 

Fred Scoville — (Football Pl,ayer) 

Aunt Lizzie Jackson 

Adolph Von Limburg 

Yokub Schmidt 

Bettina Schmidt 

Rev. John Wesley Ward 

Mrs. Ward 

Arthur Copperfield Ward 

Peter Cartright Ward 

Prof. Olmstead 

Dr. Lippincott 

Emerson Van Dyke — (Book Agent) 

Jeddie Bunyan 

Cyntha Bunyan 

Skinny Bacon 

Chip Mullenix 

Mr. Peasley — (Store Keeper) 

LobeliiE Gardner 

Mrs. Bumstead 

Dr. Fitzhenry — (Dentist) 

R. E. Porter— (Editor) 

Cousin Arabella Sumpurty — (Old Maid) 

Bizelia Jane Niblack 

Miss Odell 

Miss Webster 

Widow Brown 

Musicians 

Chorus Boys .^ 

Chorus Girls 



Copyrighted igii 

by 
Chlorine Dysart 



n. 



©CLD 25369 



J 



The Gomin' Out of Mary Jane Cummins. 




ACT I. 

SCENE — Parlor setting, showing old fashioned 
sofa and chairs to sides of st,age, mirror on wall, 
table in center, and easel, picture, etc., to rear. 
Artificial flowers can be used in vases and for 
other decofiations. 

Curtain rises showing Steve with rugs and carpet 
beater, Bridget sweeping, dusting and arrang- 
ing furniture. 

STEVE— The old folks is awful f!ustrated about 
the train. 

BRIDGET— What's the mather wid the thr,ain 
Staven? 

STEVE — Why number ten is 'way behind time and 
Alary Jane '1 be an hour late and you know 
Mrs. Cummins is all out of sorts over it. 

BRIDGET— Well, it's all the bether for us Staven. 
We'll not be in .a houry at all a rakin' and a 
swapin the lawn. We'll hev it all doon as nate 
as a pin afore ye iver hear the whistlin' of the 
thrain. 

STEVE— Well I'll gist set a spell on the sofa, for 
I'm tired now and ther's lots of work liaid out 
for me today, takin' care of the horses and 
handlin' the people's baggage as they come in. 
CSits down). You oughtn't to be doin' extra 
work like this Bridget, no how, when you've 
been on your feet already since long before 
daylight. It'll tell on you land you'll be breakin' 
down before you know it. Say Bridget, how 
is it you're lookin' so young and spry and del- 
icate, when Patsy O'Flanigan says you're lots 
older than you look? 

BRIDGET— Since yer askin' me that question 
Staven, I'll be free in tellin' ye the thruth; ther's 
niver ,a toime in all me life when I'm older than 
I am right now, but I'm non the worse o' that, 
and feel as ploomp and sphry ,as any iv haflf 
III. 



me age, and I've been hard at worruk iver since 
I was la gurrel in me saxteens and outlived al- 
reathy money a mon and woman that was 
borren long afore I iver saw the light. Patsy 
O'Flanigan bether be tendin' to her own bees- 
ness. Haff the lies she's bin tellin' on mesilf 
ther' aint a word o' thruth in 'em. 

STEVE — I never believe in doin' any more than I 
have to, and when ther's nobody lookin' you 
don't ketch me doin' two men's work. You're 
new at this place Bridget, and if you appear 
too over willin' at first they'll alius give you 
double work and that's why I feel interested 
in you, Bridget. S^ay, Bridget, have you ever 
been married? 

BRIDGET — That's a great question to be askin' 
of me, but I'll niver be tellin' ye no lies, fer 
it's three that I hev. 

STE'VE^ — And have you any children? 

BRIDGET— Yes, sor, I've three, one be the third 
wife of me second husband, and two be the sec- 
ond wife of me first. 

STE"VE — (Laughs heairtily). And how m.any by the 
second wife of yer third husband? 

BRIDGET— Well, th,at's nothin' of yer beesness 
Staven; he had three of his own by his first 
wife and they wus grown up and a worakin in 
the linen facthory at Limerick afore we iver 
wus morried. 

(Enter Mrs. Cummins with front hair in 
curl papers, R. Lincoln Cummins and Ras- 
tus. All inspect decorations. Steve and 
Bridget get very busy). 

MRS. CUMMINS — Steve, what on airth have you 
bin doin' all this time? That litter on the lawn 
should all a bin cleared away and the yard or- 
namented before this. I fear, Steve, you're be- 
comin' more enameled with the charms of 
Bridget than with your work. (Steve exit 
with rugs). Now Lincoln, son, when the com- 
pany begins to come in, you must keep yet 
pants pulled down over yer shoes, let the cor- 
ner of yer h,ankerchy hang outen yer pocket 
a little, (arranges handkerchief) and be per- 
tickler and don't wipe yer nose on yer sieve, 
but blow it on the grass and save yer hank- 
erchy. When you meet anybody, look into 

IV. 



ycT hat, this way. (Tips hat and shows him). 
Now listen. Watch the Ward children and do 
like them, their father's a preacher and they're 
trained up how to behave in company. (Dr. 
Cummins calls from oflF stage: '"Rastus! Oh, 
Rastus!'') There comes yer fether, now pay at- 
tention to what I'm tellin' you, Lincoln! and 
allers jump offen yer seat fer grown people 
and keep yer galluses buttoned, and when 
spoken to, say yessur to the men and yessum 
to the ladies. And Rastus, the Doctor is callin' 
you to go and tell Steve to take the team, and 
now remember, you must get busy and run and 
Wiait on people and see how smart you can be. 

RASTUS — I'se jes gwine do moos anything you say 
Miss Cummins, 'cause I'se none dem ignoramus 
niggas what don't know nuffin. (Exit). 

(Enter Dr. Cummins with pill bags). 

MiRS. C. — Why, Doctor, what kept you so late, 
when you know so much is dependin' on you? 

DR. CUMMINS— (Removing long coat, hat and 
gloves). Well, my dear, I'm doing well to get 
back ,at all. Ther's been something doing, I 
tell you. (Opens grip). Why, just see here, I 
have old man Hoogenacker's appendix in my 
valise; took two navy beans and a grain of 
corn out of the Billikin boy's windpipe, put a 
new drum in Mose Bogg's ear, spliced Pat Mc- 
Ginty's rib, stopped the cr,ack in old Mrs. Tat- 
tlemore's voice, put ball bearings in Aunt 
Molly Cadaver's lower jaw, and wound up her 
tongue. They're all doing well and now I'm 
glad to have la day off. (Enter Uncle Beverly 
and Aunt Prudence Pinshaw, carrying tele- 
scope, satchel, umbrella, etc. Aunt Prudence 
walks very lame). There comes Uncle 
Beverly Pinshaw and Aunt Pfrudence. 
Well! Well! Well! "Talk about the old scr,atch 
and he's sure to appear." How are you, any- 
how, both of you? (All shake hands). 

MRS. C. — Are you feeling better Aunt Prudence? 

AUNT PRUDENCE PINSHAW— Yes, I've be- 
gun to feel more like myself again, in fact, I 
feel like another person. 

DR. C. — Same old couple. Haven't changed a bit, 
young as ever. Just hand your bundles and 
telescope to Rastus. Here Rastus, you're 

V. 



wanted here. (Enter Rastus and takes grips). 

AUNT P. — Here, Beverly, hand me that satchel, 
it's got my camphor bottle and knittin' in it 
and my calimus root. You know I couldn't 
do without that, I'd expire in a minit afore the 
doctor wud git to me if I took one of my 
faintin' spells, and didn't have my calimus 
root. (Takes satchel and removes things). 

UNCLE BEVERLY PINSHAW— (Puts hand to 
ear). Did you say you heered the train toot? 

AUNT P.— Train toot? Why, no; I said 1 wanted 
my calimus root, (in louder voice) calimus root! 
(To Mrs. Cummins) You see Beverly is awful 
deaf. He's lots worse ner he wus when we wus 
here afore. He's gittin so he can't hardly hear 
nothin' any more and you haff to tialk awful 
loud or he won't know what you're sayin'. 
(Steve returns with rugs. Bridget ar- 
ranges rugs and both exit). 

MRS. C. — Well, do take seats there and get rested. 
(Takes bonnet and wraps from Aunt Pru- 
dence). 

It'l soon be time to begin receivin' and we're 
lookin' for Mary Jane every minit. Rastus do 
bring a fan for Uncle and Aunt, they are so 
warm and tiredii (Rastus brings fan) You 
see, Mary Jane has been gone all winter and just 
gragiated from the Stumptown high school and 
is goin' to have her debut before the public. 
You know Helen Taft had debuts all last win- 
ter. (Takes seat). We want Mary Jane to 
loom up in society and be the belle of Jackoak 
Center. Brother Edwards, the presidin' elder 
invited the neighbors in when his daughter 
Bizelia begun to set up of nights with the 
young men, land they held theirn inside the par- 
sonage, but Mrs. Peters coaxed me to have 
ourn on the lawn. She said it would be much 
sweller, and she knows, because she is the de- 
pot agent's wife and they just moved in here 
from Tankville. 

(Enter Mary Jane Cummins with Fred Sco- 
ville, latter with bandaged eye and crutch. 
Rastus runs and takes suit cases). 

MRS. C— Well, did ever! Here's our girl! (Em- 
braces Mary Jane). 

MARY JANE CUMMINS— (Running over to Aunt 

VI. 



I 



p.) And here is Aunt Prudence. (Shakes 
hands with all). 
MRS. C— We've been waitin" the last hour for you. 
Everything is re,ady and people will be comin' 
in soon. 
MARY J.— (To all). Allow me to introduce Mr. 
Fred Scoville of Hackelbarney (or local name). 

Mr. Scoville is a member of— ^ football 

aggregation and a friend of mine. Our train 

was side-triacked at and we're a little 

late and so tired and dusty. (Exit). 
MRS. C— Mr. Scoville, 1 spose you do feel kind o' 
dusty after bein' on the train. I know I did 
when we visited back in Ingeana. It nearly 
spiled my new bonnet and every time I stuck 
my head outen the car winder to see the coun- 
try, I got my eyes full of cinders. Would you 
like to h,ave some water and take a wash before 
you set down? Here, Rastus, take the gentle- 
man to the bench out by the rain barrel, and get 
him a pan of water, and the cake of soap and 
show him the towel. It hangs there on ,a 
nail. (Fred Scoville and Rastus exit). _ 
(Bridget enters and assists Mrs. Cummins 
in arranging flowers and other decorations). 
DR. CUMMINS— (Approaching Uncle Beverly 
Pinshaw). Did you have any trouble Uncle 
in finding our place? 
UNCLE BEVERLY— (Putting hand to ear). Heh 

h-h? 
DR. C— (In loud voice). Did you have any trou- 
ble in finding our place? 
UNCLE B.— I don't understand, was you speak- 
in' to me? 
AUNT PRUDENCE— (Crosses over to Beverly 
and speaks in loud voice). He says, did you 
have any trouble to find our place? 
UNCLE B.— My face? Yes, I spect it is dirty. 
You see, I've been sweatin' so and the black 
smoke from the enj-i-n-e and dust a flyin' set- 
tles in my eyes and on my face. (Wipes face 
with h,andkerchief). Now does it look any bet- 
ter? 
DR. C— Oh. your face is all right, Uncle. You mis- 
understood me. I said, did you have any trou- 
ble finding our place? 
UNCLE B.— Oh-o-o, no-o, not much. Says I to 

VII. 



mother, says I, less ride in one of them vehick- 
les, says I, but Siays she, no, we'll walk. The 
only trouble says she, spect I'll get awful lame, 
but I'll try, says she, an' be ekinomikle. If you'll 
pack them bundles, says she, I'll tote the tele- 
scope, baskets and umbf ejlars, but whe-u-u! 
they got awful heavy. Why in the world do 
they have their depot so far from town? 

DR. C. — Well, I declare, I never thought of that be- 
fore, but I suppose it was just to have it near 
the railroad. 

FRED SCOVILLE— (Enters with hair and face 
wet). Rastus! Rastus! Where is the towel? 

RASTUS — (Enters)... You sho done missed dat 
towel. I'se gwine show you. Right d^ar, lessen 
it been swipened from de nail. (Exit with 
Fred Scoville). 

AUNT P.*— (To Mrs. Cummins). Did Mary Jane 
do w 11 at school? 

MRS. C. — Oh, yes, middlin' well. She soon took 
to her books, and her schoolin' has done her 
lots of good. Her talk is more proper, and you 
ought to hear her say ofif verses she's memoriz- 
ed by heart, .and her manners is better. She 
holds her knife and fork different at the table 
and forks everything to her mouth, and she 
never thinks of callin' batter cakes anything 
but pancakes and that seems like blassfemin 
agin sacred things, for we've called 'em batter 
cakes all our lives an' you can't make anything 
else out of "em. 

(Exit Bridget.) 

AUNT P. — Did she have a nice place to stay? 

MRS. C. — Oh, yes; she didn't have no stove in her 
room, just one of them legislators, where the 
heat rushes up from the cellar and she never 
felt the cold all winter. 

(To Dr. C.) It's drawin' late now, Doc- 
tor, and time to be gettin' yer dress suit on. 
It's lyin' on the bed up stairs, yer necktie and 
collar and white vest, too. 

DR. C. — Why dear, do you think I hiad better wear 
that? Let's see. It's been nineteen or twenty 
years since we were married, and I've never had 
it on since. No one here ever wears a dress 
suit and people will think it's very funny. 

MRS. C. — I know, Doctor, but you did look so nice 

VIII. 



in it at our weddin' and I've always wanted to 
see it on you agin. You've changed some and 
it will be a little tight on you, but you must 
wear it anyway. Society in Jackoak Center 
looks up to you, and whatever you do will be 
taken for a patern. Hurry up now, Doctor! 
On the bed upstairs! (Exit Dr. Cummins). 
(Enter Mrs. Titcomb Peters and Rastus). 

MRS. TITCOMB PETERS— (Looking ,around). 
Oh, how lovely! What a fine place for a recep- 
tion. 

M'RS. C. — Well, I'm awful glad you've come. We're 

just waitin' on you to show us how to do. 

(Enter Aunt Lizzie Jackson). 

MRS. PETERS— (Removing hat). Well, now, we 
want to make this the swellest function ever in 
the Center. When the proper time comes to 
receive, arrange yourselves in a straight line. 
(Mrs. Cummins, Uncle Beverly and Aunt 
Prudence stand in line). 

And as each guest approaches, extend your 
hand with a smile and a bow like this: (shows 
them) and make pleasing remarks and intro- 
duce your daughter like this: (shows them). 
Now get yourselves ready and don't be gone 
long. 

(Mrs. Cummins, Uncle Beverly and Aunt 
Prudence exit, Aunt Lizzie is seated, Mrs. 
P. completes decorations). 

MRS. P. — Rastus, what are you doing? 

RASTUS — Is'e jes takin' de bans off dis watch, 
caus Is'e gwine tote 'em down jewelry store, 
wherefo he fix 'em. 

MRS. PETERS— Why, Rastus, you silly! Why 
don't you take the watch? 

RASTUS— Why nuffin 'tall mattah dat watch, 
'ceptin de bans. Dey's all outer fix an' won't 
keep no carek time. (Exit). 

MARY JANE — (Enters in party dress). Aunt 
Lizzie, where is mother? I wanr her to help 
me get ready, now where is she? 

AUNT LIZZIE JACKSON— Why, child, she's busy 
about the place somewhere. Can't I help you? 
Come here to me. 

MARY J. — (Approaching Aunt Lizzie). Won't 
you fix my hair? Fix it, Aunt Lizzie, so the 
rats won't show so plain, and button my dress, 

IX. 



and do help me get ready before they begin to 

come in. I'll bet mother's off some place 

working like a darky. What makes her work 

and worry that way, any how. Aunt Lizzie? 

She says she hasn't slept a wink for two 

nights. 

(Exit Mrs. Peters and Lincoln Cummins). 

AUNT L. — (Fixes Mary Jane's hair and pins dress) 
I can tell you why, Mary Jane. It's all for your 
sake. She wants you to jine the honeysuckle 
club and get in high society and get acquainted 
with Dr. Lippincott, the veterinary surgeon. 
All the girls in the neighborhood are crazy 
over him, and she wants you to cut them out, 
and then she wants the word to get out that the 
Cumminses are the swellest people in town, 
and that's about so, too, Mary Jane. Your 
mother's an awful proud woman and she would 
like to have you take the lead in society. 

MARY J.i — Oh, yes, mother's afraid I'll be an old 
maid like Aunt Mattie. If mother knew what 
I do, she'd loose no sleep about me. I guess I 
am not so slow. I never missed a ball game 
or a dance over at Stumptown and I could al- 
ways get fellows every time, and that'l not be 
a hard thing to captivate your Doctor Lippin- 
cott. O-u-c-h! Why, holy peanuts, Aunt Liz- 
zie! What in the name of Sampatch are you 
doing? That don't feel very good to get full 
of pin holes like that. 

AUNT L.— Well, well, now, that's too bad! I'm 
awful sorry, I didn't aim to hurt you, dear. 

MARY J. — T don't suppose you did. Aunt Lizzie, 
but it hurts all the same. Don't do that anj 
more. I just feel like I was full of bee stings. 
Can't you put something on it? 

AUNT L.— No, no. It'll soon let up. No. I'll tell 
you. Mary Jane, your mother thinks the Doc- 
tor's an awful nice young man, and a better 
ketch than th,at ball player, and has a better show 
for a livin' than practicin' gymnetics and roll- 
ing on the ground kickin' footballs. 

MARY J.— Oh, but I do like ball players. They are 
so sporty, and I have such jolly times with 
them. Why, say, aunt, is the veterinary sur- 
geon a good looking fellow? Would he be a 
good catch? 

X. 



AUNT L. — Oh, yes, you'll say so when you see 
him. Everybody says he's fine. Now let me tell 
you, when you meet him don't be talkin' all the 
time about music and geografy and football, 
'cause he's a new comer here and h'aint got 
'stablished yet, and he'd rather be interested 
about domesticated science, like housekeepin' 
and raisin' chickens and the like o' that. Has it 
quit hurtin' yit where the pin went? 

MARY J.— Oh, it stings a little yet, but I don't 
mind it now. 

AUNT L.— Now, dear, you look sweet as a 
touch-me-not with your hair fixed that way, 
and that beautiful dress. (Mary Jane crosses 
stage and poses before mirror). Now do keep 
as close to the veterinary as you can and keep 
him away from Miss Webster and the music 
teacher and the reception will wind up joyful, 
and your mother will be tickled half to death 
about the way you've took him in. 

MARY JANE — (Turns to Aunt Lizzie, smoothes 
hair and strokes dress). Now, how do I look, 
Aunt Lizzie? (Looking in mirror) "Well, the 
fatal night has come at last,in half an hour I 
shall be "coming out." This is the way I'll be 
doing: (Steps about and bows). Mistah, Doc- 
tah, Doctah. Glad to meet you. sah. (Continues 
to bow and dance). Pleasant evening, s,ah. 
Glad to meet you, Doctah. 
(Curtain). 



ACT II. 

SCENE — Yard surrounding the Cummins home 
with porch and entrance to house in view. 
Japanese lanterns overhead, benches and chairs 
scattered about, graphophone and punch bowl 
on stands to side of stage and decorated plat- 
form for orchestra at rear. 

Curtain rises showing Mrs. Titcomb Peters, assist- 
ed by young ladies, serving punch. Orchestra 
in place. A number of guests standing in 
groups, and moving about. Graphophone mu- 
sic and laughing heard as Adolph Von Limbufg 
and other guests arrive and shake hands with 
Uncle Beverly. Aunt Prudence, Auh'l Lizzie 
and Mary Jane in receiving line. 
XL 



(Enter Dr. and Mrs. Cummins, front En- 
trance.) 

MRS. CUiMMINS--(Aside to Dr. C.) Now, Doc- 
tor, keep it on your mind, your trousers are a 
little tight on you, so be careful and don't stoop 
or sit down hard. If you do somethin' will 
happen. Now remember! 
(Dr. and Mrs. Cummins take places in 
receiving line. Enter Yokub Schmidt 
and daughter Bettina). 

YOKUB SCHMIDT— (Approaching Adolph Von 
Limburg) Vie Gates, you knows me? Bis't you 
old countryman? 

Mire nom Yokub Schmidt, des mine gairl, 
Bettina. She bin sextane yare des mont old. 
Ish bin five years ofer fon old country meseluf. 

ADOLPH VON LIMBURG— (In disgust) Yes, 
vel sir, you! you better bin in dem old country- 
all time yet awhile, unt learn spake des Meri- 
can language most proper. I do not vish speak 
mit you so much more at dees time. 
(Enter Rev. John Wesley Ward and Mrs. 
Ward. They shake hands with those 
in receiving line). 

YOKUB— (Approaching Dr. C). Vie gates, I 
koom mit mine gairl Bettina. Vie est eren 
gasoondheit? 

DR. C. — All right Yokub. What brought you here 
at this time? We never expected you here 
at such a tirne as this. 

YOKUB— Vel Doctor, I tell you vas isht. Mine 
frow, she tell me vas your Mary Shane, she 
haff one big barty, und she tell meer shust go 
mit Bettina, right away up. So she mok her 
up very fine mit new petticoat und shoes und 
haflF her go mit meer und talk some more mit 
Mary Shane. 

DR. C' — Well Yokub, Mary Jane is very busy just 
now. You had better retire with Bettina and 
come again later. 

(Enter Fred Scoville, shaking hands 
with receiving party). 

YOKUB^(To Uncle Beverly) Vie gates? das been 
yourn frow? 

UNCLE BEVERLY PINSHAW— (To Aunt Pru 
dence) : Is he speaking to me' 

AUNT P. P. — Yes, he's askin' you somethin'. (To 

XII. 



Yokub) Speak loud to him. He's hard o' hear- 
in'. (To Beverly) He's a dutchman and wants 
to know if I'm your wife. 

UNCLE B.— My knife? (Gets out pocket knife and 
hands to Yokub). It's awful dull, but may 
be you can cut with it. 

YOKUB- — Vas fer you giff meer big knife like dees, 
ven ish speak shust mit your wife? 
(Enter Prof. Olmstead, shakes hands with 
those in receiving line). 

REV. JOHN WESLEY WARD— (Approaches Yo- 
Yokub and extends hand). Why, hello there, 
Yokub, what are you doing here? Aren't you 
lost? 

YOKUB — Vie gates, Ish never see you sometime 
before. You live here dees town all dees time? 
Vas isht ere nom? 

REV. WARD— My name?Ward. Rev. John Wes- 
ley Ward. 

YOKUB— Oh yah. Ward. Meester Ward, dees isht 
mine gairl Bettina. She bane saxtane yare 
old nex Februare, und so big dees way out 
(spreads hands out) und fier oder five feet dees 
way high up, (holds hand over her head) she 
bin also go up to dem Stumptown high school 
too, dees nex vinter mont, und learn spake fun 
dem geografy, und spell dem English. Goode 
bye. Vie koom again some time. Koom now 
dees way Bettina, vie sit mit das stool here. 
May be dey bring anyhow some beer. (Yokub 
and Bettina take seats). 

(Enter Rastus). 

PROF. OLMSTEAD— (Approaching Fred Scoville) 
Well, well, Fred, what next? Something doing 
on the gridiron, eh? A hard scrimmage, wasn't 
it? 

FRED SCOVILLE— You see. Prof., Hackelbarney 
(or local name) and Stumptown were pullin' 
off a hot football game and in the first quarter 
of the second half, I was huggin' the pig-skin 
on a forwiard pass and plunged through the 
center for a ten yard gain. I carried the ball 
twenty yards, when down came Big Bill Saw- 
yer, (or local name) the piledriver of the Stump- 
town aggregation. In the scrimmage I was on 
the ground floor and, of course, got this bum 
jaw and quit the game. The doctors worked 

XIII. 



with me for two hours. I am a bit shy yet on 
my off knee and can see a little now out of this 
eye. 

PROF. — Pretty close call. I W|as there among the 
rooters near the side line and saw the foul. 
But, never mind, old fellow, next year the grid- 
iron will be the main feature in the Stump- 
town high. Of course there will be a little do- 
ing in the kindergarten and psychology and 
latin, but the pig-skin is the whole menagerie 
now, in modern school work, and Stumptown 
high school is out for the cup next year. 

FRED— You're all solid along this line, Prof. The 
baseball sap is runnin' in their veins and the 
schools are all comin' to it, and Hackelbarney 
(or local n,ame) is right up to date, too. I tell 
you. Prof., it's a little less latin and a little 
more gym. 

PROF. — The boys and girls are going to have their 
fun. This is an age of bone and muscle. Just 
think of it, the champion boxer of the Y. M. 
C. A. has knocked out everything up to Jack 
Johnson, the world champion. The prize fights 
of Johnson and Jeffries land the bull fights of 
Mexico will seem like May Day parties. How 
long will you be here, Fred? 

FRED — That depends. I may go home at once, 
or I may stay a week. (In lower voice) You 
see. Prof., I am over here on a lark with my 
gazelle, ,and if the old doctor don't kick and 
things get congenial, I shan't be in a hurry to 
go back. So far as I can see with one eye 
(raises bandage), things look pretty prosperous 
around here, and I may st,ay anyway, 'til I 
can see out of the other eye. 

PROF — When did you meet this young lady? 

FRED — I picked her up among the high school 
rooters when we played Stumptown last spring, 
and she's a peach. 

PROF. — You had better take that seat over there, 
Fred, and rest that l,ame foot. (Fred is seated). 
(Enter R. Lincoln Cummins). 

DR. CUMMINS— (Coming to front of stage 
with Uncle Beverly) It's tiresome stand- 
ing so long, suppose we sit awhile, (steps 
toward seat). 

MRS. CUMMINS— (Screams and runs to Dr. C.) 

XIV. 



Mercy! No, no! Don't you dare sit down, 
Doctor! (As Dr. C. sits down, ripping noise is 
heard) There! what did I tell you? I told you 
to be sure not to bend over or sit down. Now, 
what have you done? 

(Dr. Cummins rises quickly, Mrs. C. exam- 
iiies for rent, very slyly adjusts coat 
and pins flower on lapel. Ex- 
it Mary Jane Cummins.) 

FRED SCOVILLE— Rastus, Oh, Rastus! This 
way just a minute. Are you busy right now, 
Rastus? 

RASTUS — I'se never too busy adjuss miseff all cir- 
cumstance, whatsoever, an' best of my know- 
ledge, perfom yo' requess. 

FRED S. — All right. Rastus, here's two letters and 
five cents to buy stamps for them. Now, hur- 
ry up, Rastus, and get them in the post office 
in time for the fast mail. They are important 
letters and must go without fail. (R,astus takes 
letters and runs off stage). 

(Enter Dr. Lippincott). 

MRS. CUMMINS — (Addressing a group of women) 

Superintendent — of the high school 

has been drillin' some of the students for an 
exhibition. They say it's real good, and I've 
asked them over to give us some of their 
drills. (Laughing heard outside). Listen, I 
hear them coming now. (Exit hurriedly). 

(Specialty introduced.) 

(Enter Araminta Cummins, crosses stage, 

bashful and twisty). 

DR. LIPPINCOTT— (Seated) Where now, little 
girl? Hunting somebody? Hunting your moth- 
er or brother? Come over this way. 

ARAMINTA CUMMINS— (Finger in mouth) Hunt- 
ing my mamma. 

DR. L. — Who is your mamma? 

ARAMINTA — I'm Araminta Cummins. M,amma 
said she was going to talk to the veterinary 
surgeon, but I don't see her. 

DR. L. — Here, sit dcwn beside me. What does 
your mamma want with Dr. Lippincott? 

ARAMINTA— (Sits beside Dr. L.) Why, she said 
she was going to have him to tea some time. 
S-a-ay, you have an awful red nose, haven't 
you? 

XV. 



I don't think that's very nice of them to be go- 
in' awaj' when they're invited to a party like 
this. 
MARY J. — I don't either, mother, and if I were 
you, I would never invite those two girls again 
as long as I lived. Old miaids! They're noth- 
ing but two old maids primping around, trying 
to fool somebody. 

FRED SCOVILLE— (Approaching Mary Jane). 
Don't you wish you were a senior again, back 
among the hi-yiis at old Stumptown high, with 
your S. H. S. banner land a whole bag full of 
peanuts and chocolates? Oh, but weren't they 
high old times? 

MARY J. — Why, what makes you ask that question 
Fred? Ar'nt you enjoying yourself over here? 
I am afraid you lare getting a bit lonesome. 

FRED S.— (G,apes and stretches). Well, I can't 
say but what I am. This is a nice crowd, but 
it's a little bit quiet to what it was at Stump- 
town. Who was that dressy fellow that just left 
with the automobile party? You seem to be 
very much interested in him. He's too punk for 
anybody. (Looking at his watch). What time 
does number four leave for Hackelbarney? 

MARY J. — Never mind about that train, Fred. Oh, 

you mean that fellow who sat with me here. 

That's Doctor Lippincott. He Just came here 

from Ames and has his office over the feed store. 

(Enter Jeddy Bunyan, Cyntha Bunyan 

and Rastus). 

FRED S.— Well, Rastus, are you back? It didn't 
take you long; did you mail my letters? 

RASTUS — Sho. Fass mail done gone carry dem 
lettahs, swiff as lightnin' an' moreover, here am 
yn fi cents all back! heah! heah! heah. (Returns 
money). 

FRED S. — How in the world, Rastus, did you mail 
my letters without buying stamps with this 
five cents? 

RASTUS — Well, it am dis way; I jes kep my eye on 
de postmastah an' when he wasn't lookin' I jes 
gwine drop'd de lettahs in de box. Heah! heah! 
heah! 

(Enter Emerson Van Dyke). 

EMERSON VAN DYKE— (Approaches Jeddy and; 
XVIII. 



Cyntha Bunyan with book agent's outfit) Good 
day, lady. Is this Doctor and Mrs. Cummins? 

CYNTHA BUNYAN— No. sir: we are only visitors 
here. 

EM. V. — Ah, I see you are only guests, beg pardon; 
I hope I am not intruding. I'll only take a min- 
ute of your time. I am introducing here a won- 
derful work, the greatest book of the century; 
nothing like it since Julius Caesar and Napoleon. 

Mr. — told me to see you and if I could 

, sell you a copy everybody else in town would 
take one. 

JEDDY BUNYAN (To Cyntha)— We'll not buy his 
book, Cyntha. He's another one of them gasted 
book agents. (To Em. Van Dyke) I guess we 
don't want yer book, mister, we've got all 
kinds of books now. You know, Cyntha. ther's 
the life of Daniel Boon in the lion's den, and Pe- 
ter .Cartright, on the mantel, and Wild Bill and 
Brigham Young and one of Mr. Dicken's books, 
and they say he's writin" better books than he 
euster. Guess we won't buy it, but say, mister, 
what do you ask fer yer book? 

CYNTHA B. — Have you got Rhinosevelt's book on 
elefants and catamounts in Africa, that I've 
hearn so much about? 

EM. V. — That's just exactly what I am showing 
you. (Hands her a book). This is what you 
want. Tells all about it, full of pictures and 
cheap as dirt. 

CYNTHA B.— (Looking in D'k). Yfs, that's hs 
pictur' sure as you live. It's the same as we've 
got hangin' over the mantel, see, lookin' through 
his spectacles, a shakin' of his fist and grittin' 
of his front teeth. Why, I'd know that pictur' 
in ginny. Ther's so much talk about him killin' 
and eatin' wild beasts and zebras. 

JEDDY B. — Yes, and I'm determined to vote fer 
him agin'. (Local name) says he's done more 
to'ards riddin' that country of elefants and mon- 
keys than any president we ever had and that 
ain't all, he's stuflfed their pelts, what he coudn't 
eat, and sent 'em to Smith's Institution for dead 
animals. What's the least you'll take fer your 
book, mister? 

EM v.— Four dollars. 

JEDDY B.— I'll give you two dollars. 

XIX. 



EM, V. — Couldn't possibly do it, Mr. Bunyan.- 
There are only a few of them left and I can't 
get any more like them. 
(Enter Peter Cartright Ward and Arthur 
Copperfield Ward.) 

JEDDY B.— What d'ye say, Cyntha? Say we buy 
it. It's an awful fine book, big as two of Dan- 
iel Boon's and full of pictures. All right. We'l 
take the book. Cynthia, let me have some 
money. (Cyntha raises skirt, gets purse from 
pocket and pays him.) (Exit Em. Van Dyke). 

PETER Cartright Ward— (To Arthur Copperfield 
Ward and Lincoln Cummins) What's th? mat- 
ter with that womian coming yonder? (All 
look off stage). Oh, look at her! She looks like 
she was tied up in a sack and can't hardly walk. 
Oh, yes, I know, it's Wider Brown, she thinks 
now she is fixed up so fine in that hobble 
skirt. Say, Link, less have some fun. We'l 
trip her up. Here, you take the end of this rope 
and tie it there. (They tie string .across stage). 
Now we'l run and see her tumble. 

(Enter Widow Brown, falls over rope, 
screams and faints. People gather 
around and boys run and hide). 

DR. CUMMINS — Bring water, quick, and a fan. 
Stand back! Water, water, quick' (R,astas 
brings water). Please stand back and give her 
room! (Bizelia Jane Niblack brings pillow and 
fan, others run with camphor and hot w^ater 
bottle. Dr. C. and Fred Scoville (with 
crutch) assist Widow Brown to seat). 

REV. JOHN WESLEY WARD— (To Mrs. Ward) 
MJDther. mother, where are those youngsters? 
Where did those boys go? Mother, you call 
them. 

MRS. WARD— P-e-t-e-r! Peter! Peeter! Oh Pe- 
ter! Pe-tee-r! Pe-toor! Where are you? 

PETER CARTRIGHT WARD— (From behind 
bench) Oo! hoo! 

MiRS. W. — Where ,are you? Right this way, quick; 
you're wanted here, quick! Hurry up! 

PETER C. — (Approaches slowly, with Arthur C. 
Ward) What do you want? 

MRS. W.— Your father wants you. (To Rev. W.) 
Here s your boys. 

XX. 



REV. W.i— Did you do that, Peter Cartright Ward? 

PETER C— Do what? 

REV. W. — Did you cause Widow Brown to turn 
,a handspring right here before all these people 
— tear the ligiaments and dislocate the knee pan; 
causing the collapse of the whole superstruct- 
ure, rending asunder the delicate fabric which 
so gracefully encircled her pedallion extremi- 
ties land exposing the" softly tinted hues of her 
silken hosiery to the gaze of the multitude? Did 
you? 

PETER C— No, sir; I didn't! Don't care who said 
so. I never done it! Didn't make her turn no 
handspring and tear her ligaments! She col- 
lapsed her own structure. I saw her do it, and 
sposed her own hosiery, too. No, sir, I never 
done it. 

REV. WARD — My son, you are f,alsifying, prevar- 
icating. It was premeditated malice afore- 
thought, a violation of the pentateuch and laws 
of propriety and you will be punished accord- 
ing to your just deserts unless you repent and 
speak the truth. Did you, or did you not? 

PETER C— Father, I did do a little of it. 

REV. WARD— How much, my son? 

PETER C— Don't know, father; 'bout half of it, I 
guess. 

REV. WARD— What induced you to forget the 
golden precepts of the discipline and be led in- 
to temptation and tresspass the laws of Moses 
and the prophets? 

PETER C. — Lincoln Cummins told me to. 

REV. WARD— Was Arthur Copperfield with you? 

PETER C— Yes, father, he helped. 

REV. WARD— Arthur Copperfield Ward, did you 
forget the precepts and admonitions of the 
apostles and participate in the violation of the 
commandmants ? 

ARTHUR COPPERFIELD WARD— I'll tell you 
the truth, father; I never done nothin' but roll 
over a few times and laugh just a little bit. 
(Enter Mr. Peasley). 

REV. WARD — Come here, my sons; verily, verily, 
I say unto you, he that spareth his rod hateth 
his son, but he that loveth him chasteneth hira 
betimes. (Leads boys off stage). 

XXL 



(Enter Skinny Bacon and Chip MuUen- 
ix with furs. Dr. Lippincott and Miss 
Webster cross stage). 
SKINNY BACON— (Appro,aching Mr. Peasley). 
Are you the storekeeper what buys skins and 
mink hides? 

MR. PEASLEY— Yes, when I am at the store. Take 

them to the store. This is no place to bring 

pelts like that. What have you there any way, 

boys? 
SKINNY B. — Mink skins and some ground hog 

skins. We w,ant to sell 'em. What will you 

give us for 'em? 
MR. P. — How man}^ have j^ou and what do you ask 

for them? 
SKINNY B. — Don't know how many. Didn't count 
em. We ask ten cents apiece and they're worth 

it. 
MR. P. — Where did you get them boj^s. and how 

did you catch them? 
SKINNY B. — Caught 'em in traps down on Soiap 

creek. 
MR. P. — Did you catch them and skin them all by 

yourselves? 
SKINNY B. — Yes. sir; caught 'em and skun 'em all 

by ourselves. 
MR. P.— When? 
SKINNY B. — Forgot, don't remember zackly. Oh, 

yes. yesterday. 
MR. P. — How's that? These pelts are all old ,and 

dr}^ Why thej^'re a j^ear or two old. Rastus 

come here. 

(Whispers in Rastus' ear. Exit Rastus). 
CHIP MULLENIX— (Jerks Skinny and in low 

voice) Come on Skinnj', we'll get into trouble. 

Come on, less go. 
SKINNY B. — No, they're fresh, skinned off yester- 
day, but we dried 'em in the sun. 
MR. P. — ( Examining furs). Why, here is a fresh 

one. It's iS cat skin. You've skinned some- 
body's old puss cat. 
SKINNY B. — Nope, it's a ground hog skin. 
MR. P.— Where did you get it? 
SKINNY B. — Smoked it out of a tree and caught it 

in a trap down on Soap creek, too. 
MR. P. — Smoked it out of a tree, how did you do 

that? 

XXII. 



SKINNY B. — Built a fire under the tree and smoked 
him right down. 

MR. P, — How did you get him in the trap? 

SKINNY B. — (Cleiars throat and hesitates). Just 
drove him into the trap. 

MR. P. — Was it very hard to get him into it? 

SKINNY B. — No, it wasn't very hard to get him in- 
to the trap. He didn't know it was set and 
walked right in. 

MR. P. — So you only ask ten cents apiece for them? 
That's too chciap, boys, something wrong. 

CHIP MULLENIX— Come on. Skinny, less go. He 
don't want to buy 'em. Come on, I tell you. 
Less go and see (local name) he'll buy 'em. 

MR. P. — So you really caught them down on Soap 
creek? Well, if they're all right and fresh new 
pelts, I guess I will buy them. (To Peter C. 
Ward and Lincoln Cummins). Do you know 
these boys? 

PETER C. WARD^Yes, sir; I know that one. He's 
Skinny Biacon, preacher Bacon's boy. 

LINCOLN CUMMINS— Yes, and that's Wider 
Mullenix's boy. That's Chip Mullenix. 

MR. P. — Are they all right? Are they good boys? 

PETER C— LINCOLN C— (Together) Yes, they're 
all right. They're good boys. 

PETER C. — Skinny's all right, him and me's in the 
same class in Sunday school. 

(Exit Fred Scoville, Enter Rastus and 
Mtrs. Bumstead). 

MR. P. — How do you do, Mrs. Bumstead. I under- 
stand your house cat has been missing for sev- 
eral days. Does this look anything like it? 
(Holds up pelt). 

MRS. BUMSTEAD— (Examines cat skin and throws 
up hands). Mercy on me! That's old 
Tabby! Yes! yes! yes! Ther's the black spoits 
on her sides, and ther's the yeller streak down 
her back. (Bursts into tears). Yes, and ther's 
the piece gone oflfen her tail that got froze last 
winiter! How in the world did she come to be 
here, Mr. Peasley? Do tell me! 

MR, P. — I feel very sorry for you, Mrs. Bumstead. 
These boys .are trying to sell her pelt to me. 
They say it's a ground hog they caught in a trap 
on Soap creek. 

MRS. B. — Well, that's her sure. Nobody can't fool 
me on that bein' her dentified skin. I alius thot 

xxni. 



it might come to this some time or other, when 
she geromed around so much of nights. Poor 
old Tabby! The last I Siaw of her was the night 
(local name) was at my house, when she eat the 
canary land I put her out the door, and I says 
to myself, like enough that's the last I'll ever 
see of old Tabby in this world, and sure enough 
she's come to a bad end. Oh, dear, I don't see 
how I can hold up under it. Now my canary's 
gone, and old Tabby's gone, and I've nothin' left 
but the old man, boo! hoo! (M'r. Peasley 
takes Skinny Bacon off stage, Chip Mullenix es- 
capes). 

JEDDY BUNYAN— (Walking to front of stage). 
Oh, yes, I forgot, guess I'll set down and glance 
over the paper. (Sits down and unfolds newspia- 
per. Enter Mr. Peasley). Have you read this 
week's Bazoo? 

MR. PEASLEY— Why, no. I didn't know it was 
out yet. 

JEDDY B: — Yes, I just stopped in the postofifice and 
got this as we was comin' over here. (Reads). 
Big function at Dr. Cummins. Their daugh- 
ter Mary Jane de-de- (spells slowly) d-e-b-u- 
t-s, and so on. 

(Local name) goes to next week to a 

big illuminum meet. 

(Local name) while climbing on the roof of 
his house last week looking for a leak, fell, 
striking himself on the biack pprch. 

MR. P. — Well, that reminds me hasn't been in 

the store for three or four days. 

JEDDY B. — (Continues). Lost between the depot 

and a dark blue boy's coat. Finder 

please leave at store. 

(Local name) While harnessing his horse last 
Saturdiay was kicked just south of the corn crib. 

I guess was hurt pretty bad from what 

I've heerd (reads). 

(Local name) While down in the vicinity of El 

Paso came near being hit on the border. 

MR. P. — Why, was down there, I thought 

he was just over to . 

JEDDY B.i— (Reads) While (loqal name) was es- 
corting his girl home from church Sunday night 

a savage dog attacked them and bit Mr. 

several times on the public square. 

I bet you that was (local n,ame's) dog and I'm 

XXIV. 



not a bit surprised for I've knowed that dog ever 
since he was a pup and allers said he'd make a 
dangeirous dog. 

(Reads) and were up to (local 

town) with a pair of good looking girls. 
The crops around here 

CYNTHA BUNYAN— (Calls) Jeddy, oh Jeddy! 

JEDDY B. — (Looking up) What do you want? 

CYNTHA B, — Get up from there, you'll get grass 
stains on your pants. (Jeddy rises). 

(Chorus or Specialty Introduced). 

CYNTHA B.— (To Uncle Beverly) That w,as fine, 
wasn't it? A performance like that interests 
the mind and elevates the body. Don't you 
think so? 

UNCLE BEVERLY— How? Who? Me? 

AUNT PRUDENCE^(To Beverly) She says don't 
you think so. 

UNCLE Bw— I don't understand. 

AUNT P.— (To Cyntha Bunyan) Go closer to him 
and speak louder. 

CYNTHA B.— (Louder) I s.aid don't you think so? 

UNCLE B. — (Rises and puts on hat) Yes, I reckon it 
is time to go. (Looks at watch). (To Aunt P.) 
Get the traps together and we'll go. 

AUNT P. — Never mind Beverly, set down, set down! 
we're not ready to go. (Beverly is seated). 

CYNTHA B. — Yes, I do enjoy music. Any kind of 
a show suits me, and a circus, Jeddy and me 
don't miss no circusses, I meian the parades. We 
alius go in time to see the parades and hear the 
caliopus and then go home. Somehow, the ani- 
mals peer more natcherel in their wild state out 
in the parade than penned up in the show tent. 
And picture shows! 

AUNT P. — Oh my, don't talk to me about picter 
shows! It scares me to think about them lyr- 
ics, they're dangerous. We went to one last 
winter and took a seat right close up in front. 
We liked it fine 'till it come to the autermo- 
bile race. Purty soon we saw 'em comin', two 
of 'em, right side by side, down a steep hill. 
They was comin' right square at us and fore we 
could get out of the way they rushed past our 
seat, and the one on the neiar side didn't miss 
Beverly mor'n two feet. We might a both 
been killed, and when I saw .another a startin' 
down the hill, I says to Beverly, let 'em keep 

XXV. 



our ten cents and less git out of here right away. 
(Enter R. E. Porer. Fred Scoville 
and Miss Odell cross stage), 

ARAMINTA CUMMINS— (Runs in to Mrs. C.) 
Oh. say. mother, Dr. Lippincott is with Miss 
Webster again. Why he just stays with her so 
much ,and gives her candy and he gave me some 
in this bag. He didn't pay any attention to 
Mary Jane. When she went right close to him 
he never even looked at her. I don't like him 
one bit, do you? 

MRS. CUMIM INS— Where are they now, Minta? 

ARAMINTA — Right there, sitting on the bench. 
Can't you see them? (They go to gide of stage 
and look off). 

(Enter Dr. Fitzhenry and Cousin Ara- 
bella Sumpurty). 

ARABELLA SUMPURTY— (Takes R. E. Porter 
to one side). Mr. Editor, would you be kind 
enough to print a piece about this big gatherin' 
in your periodical? Or do you ever do the like 
of that free gratis? 

R. E. PORTER— Do the Cumminses subscribe for 
the Bazoo, Miss Sumpurty? 

ARABELLA S. — No, but they generally borrow it 
from some of the neighbors. They ne^er felt 
able to take it. Wh,at does it cost a year? 

R. E. PORTER— (Takes out note book) We are 
glad, madam, to mention events like this, es- 
pecially where the parties are regular subscrib- 
ers. The price of the Bazoo is one dollar a 
year. 

ARABELLA S.— Well, how much will it be for 
three months? 

R. E. PORTER — Oh, well, not over twenty-five 
cents. 

ARABELLA S. — Seems to me you are awful high 
on your paper. (Hesitates) All right. I'll sub- 
scribe for them. Here's yer pay. (Gets money 
from pocket). Now I harly know what you 
liad better print. (Studies). Let me see, oh, yes; 
say: another big gathering at Dr. Cummins'. 
One of the greatest events ever put forth 
by the upper crust of Siassiety in Jack Oak Cen- 
ter. Put this in big letters at the top of the 
piece. Their daughter, Mary Jane, has gragiated 
from the Stumptown high school, and debuts 

XXYL 



in the presence of her rel,atives and friends. 
Then I wish you to print the names of all them 
ithat was invited. It took place under the cano- 
py of chinkapin oaks and weepin" willers of 
the Cummins household. The space overhead 
was filled with refreshing rays of light from the 
firniiament above, and the unadulterated atmo- 
sphere from the neighboring meaders of clover 
and golden rods interspersed the occasion with 
tokens of love and affection. Amid all this sub- 
lime activity, stood their daughter Mary Jane, 
blushing with joy and gladness, ,as tears of enio- 
tion trickeled down from the fascinating win- 
ders of her inard soul. The debutantess was 
garbaged in a low-necked gown of chimpanzee, 
fastened with golden buttons of costly stones, 
and comparisoned with mutton legged sleeves, 
grasping flagrant bokays of gorgeous touch- 
menots ,and lavender, in hands of snowy white- 
ness and beauty. The flagrant aroma from the 
tables and cider bowl tickled the ears and de- 
lighted the eyes, and the tables fairly moaned 
with the weight of vittals, and all embr,aced the 
opportunity to inhale the liquid cider, again ,and 
again, until relieved of their appetites. (Starts off 
and returns). Oh, yes, just one more word, I 
desire you to reserve a copy of your periodical 
which I wish to send to my relations in Ingeana, 
and just add that all greeted the debutantess 
with the right hand of fellership, as she stood 
amidst of the gramatic scene, smiling profused- 
ly right ,and left in the best of humor. And just 
as the horizon was sinkin' behind the western 
skies, and the sun descending westward, pierced 
in golden fragrance through the c,anopy of 
smiling foliage overhead, all adjourned peace- 
ful to their native abodes at home, determined 
to return again ,at some future-time. (Starts of¥). 
And say! Mr. Printer, add that many enjoyed 
the ceremonies, clothed in silks and satins, and 
a good time was had by ,all. I would like to 
have some more things printed about the debut- 
ting, Mr. Editor, but I can bring them down to 
your printing ofifice myself. 
R. E. PORTERS— (Puts away pencil and paper). I 
thank you very much, Miiss Sumpurty. Even a 
short item like this will be better th,an nothing. 
Next week's Bazoo will contain your brief re- 

XXVII. 



marks about the Cummins function. By the way. 
Miss Sumpurty, you seem to be especially 
equipped for literary work. I would like to con- 
fer further with you. Suppose we take a walk 
in the g-rove. (Exit with Arabella S.) 
(Dr. Lippincott and Miss Webster Cross 
stage). 
(Enter Lobelia Gardner with jaw tied up). 

LOBELIA GARDNER— Is Doctor Fitzhenry, the 
dentist here? 

RASTUS — (Running towards Mrs. Gardner). Moas 
all sorts doctors present hciahon dis'casion, lessen 
I's right bad misinfohmed. I's gwina find out dis 
minit. missus. (Approaches Doctor Fitzhenry), 
Mistah Fitzhenry, I's been reques find yo whar- 
bouts, wherefo yo sist,ance needed right dis 
minit. 

DR. FITZHENRY— Please tell the lady to come 
this way. 

RASTUS— (Approaching Mrs. Gardner). Dr. Fitz- 
henry spress hisself entire willin' to have yo 
proach him reflFerence to yo painful disposi- 
tion. 

LOBELIA G— (Approaches Dr. Fitzhenry) Doc- 
tor, I've been trying all day to find you. I call- 
ed at your office and waited and waited and was 
told to come here. I'm awfully bad. Oh, my, 
oh! with my teeth again and I'll have to have 
one of them out and I'm afraid it's my wisdom 
tooth. Oh, my! (Moans). 

DR. F. — Why, Mrs. Gardner, I have no instruments 
or gas here. Can't you defer it and come to 
my office? 

LOBELIA G. — Oh, my, no, Doctor, I can't endure 
it any longer, it's awful. (Moans). 

DR. F. — Do you want to take gas? 

LOBELIA G.— Well, that's what I hardly know, 
Doctor, and I wanted to talk to you about it. 
I'm just an awful coward and I'm afraid I'll 
screech awfully if I don't take something, and 
then, again, maybe it wouldn't be so bad after all. 
My husband's sister had fourteen teeth out at 
one sitting and never took a single thing nor 
give a single screech. But then she ain't a bit 
nervous and I am, land I don't think that I could 
have even one out without screaming awfully, 
and— 

DR. F. — Have you ever taken gas? 

XXVIII. 



XOBELIA G. — No, I've not; and I said I never 
would. My cousin's wife's mother took gas, and 
she says that she felt everything- exactly the 
same as if she hadn't taken it, and it made her 
so dreadfully sick she had to be taken home 
in a carriage, and she never did get clear over 
it. Of course, it was a cheap dentist, and Cous- 
in Sarah thinks it was poor gas, for he didn't 
charge but fifteen cents for it, but it cost her 
twenty times that in doctor's bills afterward, 
to say nothing of the misery she endured. I 
don't think that it ever pays to go in for cheap- 
ness, when it comes to doctors or dentists or 
anything likely to effect the health. If I should 
take gas, I'd want it to be the best grade 
and — 

DR. F. — I assure you, madam, that I never adminis- 
ter any other kind. 

LOBELIA G. — Oh, no, I'm sure you don't, for my 
husband's sister's aunt gets you to do her work 
and she says I could depend on the best work and 
the most gentlemanly treatment from you, and 
if I did take gas, it would be of the best. But 
my sister-in-law's step mother took gas in (a. 
nice place, where she paid two dollars for it, 
and it made her carry on awfully. She laufifh- 
ed and hugged the dentist and talked silly ,and 
squirmed out of the chair and carried on aw- 
fully, I'd hate dreadfully to do anything of 
that sort. Then, again, I think wh,at if I should- 
n't come to! I've heard of several different 
persons dying in dentists' chairs. My heart 
ain't weak that I know of, and my doctor says 
I could take ether or chloroform if I w,anted 
to, but that's something I simply would not 
take. I've a perfect horror of anything of that 
kind, and I'd be sure I'd never come out of 
it. My husband's half brother's wife's sister's 
husband took ether and never came out of it, 
and I've hciard my mother tell about a man who 
took chloroform to have some teeth out and he 
never came out of it, because my brother's son 
by his first marriage — 

DR. F. — Do you want to take gas? 

LOBELIA G.— That's what I want to talk to you 
about. If I could be sure it wouldn't leave any 
after effects or make me do anything silly or 
make me feeble minded or sicken me — . An 

XXIX. 



old friend of mine named Lucy Jane Tandy — 
her name is Hooper, now — she married a man 
of that name the fall I married my husband, 
and she lives out west now, land has five lovely 
children. She sent me all of their photographs 
only last week. If I'd thought I might have 
brought them along with me. Anyhow, her 
husband took something to have his teeth out 
and Lucy Jane thinks it salivated him, and 
he did think of suing the dentist, and no one 
could blame him, either. But then, it wasn't gas 
he took, and — well, my teeth don't hurt me 
very much, and I'm in no hurry about having 
them out, so I'll go to your office and talk 
to you about it, but to tell the honest truth, 
doctor, I don't believe very much in gas. 

DR. F.— No, I should think you didn't. (Exit Lo- 
belia Gardner). 
(Enter R. E. Porter and Arabella Sumpurty). 

R. E. PORTER— Here we are back on the lawn 
again. The doctor certainly has a beautiful 
place here. Were you ever engaged — engaged 
in literary work. 

ARABELLA SUMPURTY— Oh.yes. Ye,ars ago I 
was connected with the Boone. County Squat- 
ter. That was afore I met you at Chautauqua, 
the time you said you had lost your wife and 
was feelin' so bad 'cavise she was such a gre,at 
help in yer orfis. 

R. E. PORTER— Yes, I recall our conversation, 
and I am still handicapped for want of proper 
assistance. I don't wish to flatter you, but I 
am pleased with your lappearance and manner. 
How would you like to engage in the work 



agam 



ARABELLA S.— (Bashfully) Oh, that would suit 
me fine. Do you mean in your orfis? 

R. E. PORTER— Yes, in my office, or, if you pre- 
ferred, vou might — 

ARABELLA— Why, Mr. Porter! 

R. E. PORTER — You might preside over the brick 
house across the way. 

ARABELLA— I-I-I— Oh, say. Why, say, Mr. Por- 
ter, be sure .and don't forget to send me that 
copy of your periodical. 

R. E. PORTER. — I am very much in earnest. Miss 
Sumpurty. To make it plain, how would you 

XXX. 



like to preside over the brick house across the 
way and be literary editor of my paper? 

ARABELLA— And me be Mrs. Porter? 

R. E. PORTER— Yes. 

ARABELLA— Railly! And be reporter fer yer 
paper? 

R. E. PORTER— Yes. 

ARABELLA — I had no idea that I was creatin' 
such la sensation in yer feelins. Oh, how de- 
lightful! After long years, to realize the de- 
sire of my heart! To be won over and engag- 
ed! Married! Yes! To be Mrs. Porter, wife 
of the editor of the Bazoo. How sudden! Can 
it be ^o? Is this railly true, or is it a dream? 
Oh, it's true! I'm goin' to be married! (Writes- 
in note book, tears out sheet and hands to 
R. E. Porter) Please hang this on the hook for 
next week's paper. 

R. E. PORTER— (Reads) The engagment is an- 
nounced of M\r. R. E. Porter of the Bazoo, and 
Miss Arabella Sumpurty, the wedding nuptials 
to take place at an earl}^ date. 
(Enter Fred Scoville and Miss Odell). 

FRED SCOVILLE— (To Mary J,ane) Beg pardon, 
Miss Cummins, Mliss Odell and I have just now 
decided to take in the ball game at Hackelbar- 
ney tomorrow, and we must be oflf. It's now 
(Looks at watch) ten-fifteen and number 
four is about due. I've had a most delightful 
time at your party, and met so many charming 
young ladies. Your parents are surely good 
entertainers, and have spared no pains to make 
it pleasant for their guests. As you see, I can 
almost walk without my crutch, (Puts crutch 
aside) and my eye feels better. (Removes 
bandage) You know that's all that keeps me 
out of the game. 

MISS ODELL— And I, too, have had a most de- 
lightful evening, Mary Jane, and will tell you 
all about the ball game when I return. 
FRED S.— (Shaking hands with Mary Jane) W,ell, 
good bye. Hope to see you again soon. (Miss 
Odell and Fred Scoville cross stage laughing 

and call back to Mary Jane) Good bye! 
(Exit). 

(Enter Dr. Lippincott, hurriedly, with Miss 

Webster. Latter stands at rear of 

stage. Exit Rastus). 

XXXI. 



DR. LIPPINCOTT— (Approaching Mary Jane and 
Mrs. Cummins). I am called aw(ay on profes- 
sional business, ladies. Prof. Olmstead's fine 
maltese, Count Fcirdinand, is stricken with poi- 
son and I must be off at once. I have certainly 
had a delightful time, and must bid you 
good bye. (Joins Mjss Webster and both exit). 
(Auto Horn Heard). 

RASTUS — (Rushes in much excited). I'se jess 
gwine tell you right dis minit, Miss Cummins, 
dar great deal discont-ment over dat autobile 
geeridge 'cause somebody done 'loped. 

MRS. CUMMINS— Eloped! Why, who was it, Ras- 
tus? 

RASTUS — You gwine become very much beside 
yoself, Missus, when I tell yo zackly whom it am, 
an' it's no lessen Dr. Lippincott an' Miss Webster 
what 'loped with an autobile an' dey gwine 
head right mejiately Presbyterian preachah an' 
git married very first thing. (Mary Jane and 
Mrs. Cummins collapse. Guests gather^ 
around). 

ARAMINT A— (Running on stage) What's the 
matter, mamma. Oh, mamma, what's the mat- 
ter? (Cries). 

(Dr. Cummins assists Mrs. Cummins off stage.. 
Aunt Lizzie follows with Mary Jane. 
Exit Rastus weeping). 

(CLOSING CHORUS). 



Now, as the evening shades have long since 
grown askance the western horizon and the 
sun passing through the golden gate, plays in 
rays of silvery light upon the tempestuous billows 
of Oriental seas, and the day's doings have 
come to a last finale. It will give you great 
pleasure, ladies and gentlemen, one and all, 
when I announce that Dr. and M!rs. Cummins 
desire me to thank all those present for so 
eagerly accepting their cordial invitation to as- 
sist in the delightful debutting of their charm- 
ing daughter, Mary Jane, and participating in 
their congenial hospitality. 

CURTAIN. 
XXXII. 



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